It's NOT about dating app
Dating apps have become typically associated with arranging hook-ups and casual flings over meaningful, long-term relationship. While this might be fine if it’s what both people are looking for, it can be difficult for people who do want something serious.
A survey found nearly half of millennials like me are now using dating apps to seek out ‘confidence-boosting procrastination’ instead of romance. Some people are looking for a kind of validation when they browse dating apps. The ‘Ding’ when you match with someone you’ve swipe right to feels good. Only 7% of male users and 21% of female users send a message when we get a match. Apps are increasingly losing their original purpose, with users aimlessly swiping without intention.
People often believe that millennials are today’s ‘Hippies’ with free-wheeling and easy sex, because of dating apps, and have no interest in the real world because they are addicted to social media.
As a millennial dater, I’ve experienced it all. It isn’t about which app you’re using, but how you’re using it.
I first downloaded OkCupid in 2014. I’ve been using the app on and off again ever since.
I realised a lot of the struggles I experienced from dating apps is because of people.
Getting from match to message is the easy part, but getting from message to meet-up takes some real legwork.
It’s best to just bite the bullet and be upfront about what you’re looking for from the beginning in the nicest way possible. It’s not being upfront with your dates about the fact that you weren’t in the mental space for a relationship, because it wasn’t fair to them to leave them hanging.
Tinder and OkCupid tend to cater more to hook-ups whereas Bumble and Happn cater towards a slightly more relationship.
Bumble- Ladies must initiate the conversation with matches first, therefore avoiding unwanted messages in return. But I heard a lot of good comments about Bumble so I shrugged it aside.
[Newness]2017, Netflix film. Cast- Martin( Nicholas Hoult) & Gabi( Laia Costa)
In contemporary L.A, two unacquainted millennials, spend their weekends ‘swiping’ on the dating app. The options are endless, but it’s less about connection and more about hooking-up. But when Martin and Gabi meet they find themselves talking into the early hours. Connecting. It’s exciting. It’s new. Exhilarated by each other, they rush into a relationship. They go out in dates. They move in together. But is this LOVE?
Martin also had a brief, previous marriage that ended in the wake of a shared emotional trauma. When he finds out on Facebook that his ex-wife is now the happy mother of a six-month-old baby boy, he fishtails into a night of guiltily watching old home videos and composing a verbose email to her about his lingering regrets.
Newness isn’t really about dating apps. Martin and Gabi love each other, and their love story is one-of-a-kind, or so they believe. But it doesn’t exist in a vacuum. That’s at least one of the big problems in every relationship I human history.
Newness feels so similar to the filmmakers ‘2011 feature Like Crazy. About two people who love each other, and think their love is one-of-a-kind, and end up on opposite sides of the Atlantic Ocean, separated by a violated visa.
Every seemingly casual right-swipe then is underlined with the weight of tremendous hope, a hope that keeps flicking until they meet each other.
Potential dates either asked for a tit-shot within a few messages or would disappear just when you thought things were going really well. As everyone got used to treating each other as disposable.
Most of the people on dating app just out of boredom and curiosity, getting the ‘Ding’ when you match with someone feels like winning points in a video game. It’s a time-killer in front of the telly when you’re bored.
It’s fine in moderation, but it’s not good when you’re losing hours to it.
Here are several stories of my friend's experience with dating app:
43, Businesswoman
“ She has been cheated of her money by an online scammer. The scammer used to flirt with her every day and dropped hints about his feelings from her. Until one day, he was involved in a vehicle accident and required money to settle the matter.
When she asked him to return the money(over one million dollars, he blocked her from everywhere. “
21, Retail
“ We started chatting and it was clear pretty fast that we had the same sense of humour and a connection. And it was honestly loved at first sight. The chemistry was insane and we saw each other every day for an entire week. I really enjoyed his company and my attraction grew tenfold.
I was on the edge because we were both moving away, but eventually, he talked me into it and we dated for six months. We broke up when we moved to opposite ends of the country. But we’re still friends. ”
28, Teacher
“ We started talking online when I was in graduate university. He was still in Massachusetts and was going to move to Connecticut for a new job. The second day that he moved down here we met in person at a small coffee shop. This was in July 2014.
From the moment we met in person I knew he was going to be special to me. We ended up hanging out every single day for various amounts of time until December when he had to go to Florida for Christmas. When he came back he asked me to move in with him, I gladly accepted. A few months later we went on our first trip together to Italy. When we came back we got our kitten names (Freyja)
We lived in our first apartment for two years then move to another before we bought our house. We had already planned out what we wanted in life. We knew we wanted to get married and have kids. It was never an off conversation between us. I am beyond lucky. I found my best friend and soulmate. “
What has been your experience with dating apps? Welcome to share with us(:
Except for dating apps, you can meet your future dates everywhere. From the moment you wake up until when you go to sleep, there are countless opportunities for you to meet someone- taking Tube, coffee shop, at work, out at lunch, at the bar for happy hour, parties- the list goes on.
It takes more time getting to know someone and figuring out if it’s a good match or you’re on the same trajectory for what you’re looking for in a relationship.
While dating should be fun, it also an evaluation process. Each person may more differently through that evaluation. Don’t get impatient if they aren’t ready to be committed right away. It’s important not to commit until both partners are ready and sometimes the timeliness is a bit different.
